Gesundheit
by Omnicat
Summary: He does not have hay fever. No way. Absolutely not. NEVER. / a 'Hei joins Section Four' AU


**Title:** Gesundheit

 **Author:** Omnicat

 **Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Tensai Okamura & co's _Darker than Black: the Black Contractor_ anime.

 **Warnings:** None

 **Characters & Relationships:** Hei & an OC doctor

 **Summary:** He does not have hay fever. No way. Absolutely not. _Never._ **/ 855 words**

 **Author's Note:** Like several of my other DTB fics (see " **Work Ethic** " under the **Series, Sequels and Shared Continuities** section of my profile), this is loosely inspired by the Office AU first thought up and written about by _DarkerThanEvanescence_ ( fanfiction net/u/3817605/ ), _starrycontractor/loremipsxm_ ( starrycontractor tumblr com/tagged/office-au / fanfiction net/s/11418004/ ), _maj-victory_ ( major-victory tumblr com/tagged/office%20au / fanfiction net/s/11496029/ ), _lolgirl607_ ( lolgirl607 tumblr com/tagged/dtbofficeau / fanfiction net/u/1756725/ ), and _tsuki-llama_ ( archiveofourown org/series/483635 / fanfiction net/s/11714691/9/ ), who are all awesome and let me play in their sandbox. Set in an AU where Hei joined Section Four as their first Contractor police officer three years after the finale, and none of _Origins/Gaiden_ or _Gemini of the Meteor_ happened. Enjoy!

 **II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

 **Gesundheit**

"Doctor, I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake," Hei said firmly. Or as firmly as he could while his eyes itched and watered and his voice was thick with the effort not to sneeze.

"I know you're reluctant to accept it, Mister Li, but as I suspected when you first described your symptoms to me, the results of your blood work have proven indisputable."

"No, you don't understand. It's _impossible_ for me to have hay fever."

"What makes you think so, sir?" she asked with an air of patience that set his teeth on edge.

"Three reasons." He held up three fingers. "One, because I am a Contractor, and Contractors don't get hay fever. Most of the research into that is probably still classified, but this has been indisputably proven as well."

The doctor's eyebrows rose, and she wrote something down. "Really now. Would you like to talk about that?"

Hei ignored her blatant scepticism and forged on. "Two, because I'm twenty-five years old and have never been allergic to anything. I'm not suddenly going to start now. That's not how those things wo–"

"No, actually, that's incredibly common when it comes to hay fever," the doctor cut in. "I have some literature I can provide you along with your prescription, if you like."

"What?!" Hei couldn't help but burst out. "That's not fair!"

The doctor gave him a wry smile. "Mister Li, if you really are a Contractor, I shouldn't have to tell you that nature is not concerned with human notions of 'fairness'."

"...if?"

"Don't misunderstand me, I don't judge. Since the incident at Hell's Gate three years ago, you are by no means the first person who has expressed the worry that they may have turned into a Contractor. We can talk about that, if you want."

 _Found one of the five people in all of Japan who never watch the news or read a newspaper,_ a little voice in the back of Hei's mind said, while he gaped like a fish.

The doctor looked at him very earnestly. "Mental health is just as important as physical health, Mister Li. There's no shame in wanting to be sure one's mind is as fit and healthy as one's body. In fact, if you feel you might wish to, I think that's a very brave and admirable step to take."

"Um..." At a loss for what else to do, Hei called on his power and held up his glowing blue hands.

"Oh!" the doctor said, eyes widening in momentary surprise. But it didn't take long before her expression smoothed back into professional friendliness. "You meant it literally. That's a first. Well, my offer still stands. I guess."

"Thank you," Hei said weakly. He let the power go and the synchrotron radiation dissipate. "But reason number three?"

"That you can't possibly have hay fever, you mean? Yes, okay," the doctor said.

"Several years ago, I was dosed with a Gate-derived substance that instantly cured a human coworker of mine who was also dosed of _her_ hay fever. Logically speaking, I should be doubly immune now."

He sniffed and dabbed his runny nose with a handkerchief as inconspicuously as he could.

"Huh." The doctor contemplated that. "I'll admit, I'm no expert on Contractor physiology – as you said, most of the research on that is either sporadic and anecdotal or classified to hell and back – but I think that might just be it. You became immune to hay fever when you turned into a Contractor, but the substance you were dosed with reversed that immunity again? Creating the opposite effect than the one it had on your human coworker? Were any other Contractors dosed, that you know of?"

"Yes, one... but he was a cat."

"Ah, not a good basis for comparison then," the doctor said, completely unperturbed.

Hei cast around for something, _anything_ , in defense of the _obvious_ fact that he couldn't _possibly_ have something stupid like hay fever. Him! The infamous Black Reaper! The most feared Contractor of two continents, undefeated and elusive and most definitely _not_ a snotty, sniveling wreck in the face of some damn flowering _grass_.

He came up empty.

Sighing in defeat, Hei rubbed his brow. "Okay. That's as good a theory as any. But it still makes no sense to me."

"Nothing about the Gates ever does," the doctor said simply. "But on the bright side, hay fever can ease as suddenly as it arrived. With any luck, in a few years, you'll barely notice you have it anymore, if you still have it at all. Now, we have pills, nose sprays and eye drops to combat your symptoms. Given their severity, I recommend you use all of them."

"Okay, fine, sure. As long as I can take them home immediately."

At least going to a doctor independent of the bureau's medical department meant he had plausible deniability. If he timed the disappearance of his symptoms right, maybe played up his gratefulness to some or other coworker's home remedies for stubborn cases of the common cold a little, nobody need ever know of this stupid, embarrassing, _completely unfair_ weakness.


End file.
